I'm afraid.
As much as I want to have someone to love,
that's just it.
I'm afraid.
Because loving like that involves opening of the heart and being honest and being yourself with no pretense. Involves time and sacrifice and I'm afraid of taking a plunge and then finding myself hitting rock bottom yet again.
No I'm not scarred by love.. But I am scarred by looking at the world around me- casual love, casual relationships, casual break ups- everything's casual. It's no big deal if you get together, it's not big deal if you end it.
It's normal, but it's not right.
I think if someone were to ask me out right now, even if my heart is jumping up and down in joy and my face is blushing crimson red, my mind would stop me and tell me to protect myself and say 'no I'm only gonna let myself get hurt'.
I have all these emotions in me that I have no idea how to express.
I don't trust love but I trust love.
I want to fall in love but I don't want to fall in love.
Only Jesus knows because He knows what's in my heart.
I don't know why I'm worrying now when there's no one right now.
Okay I'm gonna stop thinking and start living life.
A cute guy asked for my number one day and I refused to give it to him even though I kinda wanted to. I was telling myself that he smokes and that he is not from church and that I don't need a guy anyway. Lol I just psycho-ed myself.
